Dear to someone I’ve almost have but I lost,
It was 2009 when the first time I saw you in our school library. I was with my bestfriend studying and you were with your group of friends. I remember you and my bestfriend belong to one organization that is why you know him. You and your friend asked him something about your concerns in your organization. At first, you did not really catch my attention for I was busy that time studying Math 100 (Calculus) and Econ 11 (Elementary Economics). I just smiled at you and to your friends too.
The next time I saw you was when your organization conducted an elections for the net school year. I was there hoping to be part of the set of officers of the organization. But I did not expect that you will be there too. We were both elected as officers but sad to say, I felt the same feeling when the first time I saw you: nothing spectacular.
On the third time, it was May of 2010, when we have an org meeting at our co-officer’s boarding house. That was the time that you already caught my attention when you opened up your suggestions about the design for our org uniforms. That was also the time when I saw your face closely, noticed how beautiful you are. From then, I tried to ask you some questions to know you more.
But it doesn’t end there; it was actually the beginning of something new. The day after the meeting, I received a text message coming from an unrecognized number. I replied to the message, asking if who owns the number. At first you said that you are my secret admirer (I don’t have any proof right now to show that you sent it because it was 6 years ago, phones getting evolved too, haha!), but I know it was a joke. I tried to know if who really you are but in the end, you gave up. You just introduced who you are and whom did you get my number. And that was the start of something new that I am saying.
We’ve been friends since that day: we talked on the phone like we were bestfriends and we teased each other on text like we were classmates. That time I made a realization: Am I starting to like you? Because everytime I saw your name on my inbox, I can’t stop myself from smiling. You were my mood booster everytime I feel strange. But I stopped thinking about it because I don’t want to be unfair with you. That time, I was trying to court my high school classmate that I like. But I failed to get her sweetest yes. Maybe it was a wake up call for me that I need to let her go.
From then I tried to divert my attention, and there was you who makes me feel happy everytime I feel sad, who cheers me up everytime I feel down and who inspires me everytime I discouraged. It continued until you already feel that I am liking you. I know you don’t mean to do it but I can feel it that you are trying to avoid me. I did not force the issue because we just know each other for a year that time and I don’t want to break any connections that we established.
I knew that time that I don’t have any chance to be your boyfriend at all but I did not gave up. I said to myself that though I did not started to court you but with your actions towards me, I knew I will be failed. That is why I realized, I need to prove to you that I am worthy to be someone whom you will love. After I graduated from college, I made myself more serious. I searched for jobs, I tried to improve myself by engaging in sports and I tried to catch again your attention. April of 2013, I got my first job. You were one of the few people I told that I got the job. At first I thought you didn’t care since who am I to you? But I was wrong; you were happy to know it and you also shared to me that you also applied for the job similar to me but on our competitor. I can remember that you were excited to inform me that you saw me at my cage from outside, doing my task that time. I was curious if how did you saw me since the glass door is tinted. But nevertheless you made me smile.
The following month, you informed me that you were hired by the company you applied at. I was happy and excited for you that time, like I was your real beau. From that time, we shared experiences about our job, about the clients and about everything. I never realized that we were getting back the days that we were enjoying the company of each other as friends. We continued this kind of relationship, despite of many changes happened to me. That time, I was ready to confess to you about what I really feel for you. I realized that it was time already since I got what I need before I engaged to that stage of life. But fear held me in to say it to you. I was afraid that if I confessed to you, I will broke our friendship. I kept it for a long time and maintained the friendship.
As days passed by, we made our friendship stronger until I was confidently asked you to fetch you from office, to visit you in your branch and to get from your house to office. Though it is not usual for friends, but I was thankful that you didn’t feel awkward. Sometimes, you bought me foods so that while on the road, I have something to eat. And it made me ashamed since I was the guy and I didn’t bought a food for a girl.
One day, you invited me to attend an occasion in your house. I didn’t hesitant to say yes since you insisted me to go there. When I got there, I felt awkward because I knew that I was just your friend and you introduced me to your family as your friend but your family will not believe that for me, you were just a friend. But luckily, I felt comfortable as time passed by. Your mom and I were already having a conversation, asking me about myself sha shared to me about you. That time she asked me a favor to have a dinner with you and your family but I told your mom that I still have work tomorrow and I need to prepare my things to tomorrow.
Seven days after that occasion, something happened to us. We were exchanging messages through text and I tried to ask you if I can fetch you in your office. At first you said yes but after awhile, you told me to go ahead since you will have a dinner with your friends. I was texting my other bestfriend, told him that I felt bad about what you told me. But sent it to you instead to him. You tried to ask me why I felt bad but I didn’t answer. I asked some help of my friends because I really don’t know how to explain to her. Until such time, I realized maybe it is the time to tell you the truth. I asked you where are you because I will go there because I will tell you something important. When I arrived there, I didn’t waste any time, I asked you to have a talk with you and I told you everything. You said you are not closing your doors to me but you can’t give your answer to me right now. I said I am willing to wait even if I need to wait longer.
Two days after I confessed, you texted me. You told me that you’ve realized something about us. After you contemplated and meditated, you said first that we were just friends. I did not know what to say because in few minutes, we will going to open doors for our clients. I just said that I respect your decision but I am here willing to wait. You responded and said we will can be friends as of now. I can’t stop myself but to cry for reading the message. I don’t know how to react but that time I felt mad for not recognizing my efforts.
It all boiled down there. After I felt mad at you, I changed a lot, especially in my personality. I was not in myself that I knew when you were still with me. I was a changed man that time. I tried to reach out to you, talked to you but nothing happened. Until I decided to ask some “Closure” with you. I thought it is enough ti heal the wound, but I was wrong. That “Closure” for me was supposed to be a new beginning for us but it didn’t meant to happen. Months after, I found out that you have already a boyfriend. I was hurt, felt that I was unlucky and stupid. I tried to blame myself for letting you feel like that towards me and never fight for you.
I cut all my connection with you, thinking that I will save myself from the pain. I unfollowed you in Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to forget everything. I deleted all of your photos with me except for the prom pic. I guess I have already moved on. I was open to share that experience with my new friends and tried to make fun of it.But something happened that made me realized that I was still in loved with you.
Days before I took my entrance exam for Graduate studies, I met my former professor who is a good friend of mine. I told me that you were one of the exam takers who asked for his help. I cleared it to him if it is you or not but still, he mentioned your name. I wanted to quit because I am not ready to see you but since it is my plan to have a higher degree, I just told myself that you are just a fellow alumni to my eyes. Yes, we saw each other in the venue but I tried to avoid you. After the exam, I was waiting for my other friends who also took the exam outside the girl’s CR when all of the sudden, you went out from the room. I was unprepared to see you but I showed no reaction. You smiled at me and after that, you congratulated me. I never mind it since as what I have said, you were just a fellow alumni to me. But it never ended there: we both passed the exam and sad to say for me, we were classmates. I don’t know how to react but I just faced the consequence.
As time passes by, I realized, I never totally moved on from you. I tried to deny but hey, I am fooling myself and not other people. I accepted the fact that you are still on my mind and heart. No one can replace you here in my heart, even the prettiest girl that I met everyday in my office. I am aware that you are really in love with your boyfriend but I just got confused everytime we were together. We still do the things that we are doing before like texting, teasing each other and sometimes there are actions that I have a different interpretations everytime you do it to me. I keep on asking myself if do you also like me before? If not, you do appreciate my efforts not as a friend but as someone who is special to you? Because if to observe, you have a different reaction everytime we are together. I don’t get the meaning but I just want to tell you that I am happy that you are doing it to me.
I wrote this blog not to make you realize that you are wrong to choose to break my heart or to ruin your current status. I wrote this to express what I am feeling right now. I admit I still love you. But I am trying to avoid you for your happiness because I know I cannot give all the happiness that you are feeling right now. I am happy that you are happy right now with your boyfriend. But I want to ask you one favor: Can you please make me clear what we are really right now. Ano ba talaga ako sa’yo? Saan ba ako lulugar? Ginusto mo din ba ako, o sadyang kaibigan lang? Kasi paulit-ulit akong nasasaktan sa tuwing magkasama tayo at habang magkalapit tayo sa’yo parang wala lang. Bakit ba hindi naging tayo? May mali ba sa akin?
Sana maramdaman mo na nasasaktan ako sa tuwing naaalala ko na napaka gago ko para hayaan kang mapunta sa iba. Kasi akala ko magiging tayo na, yun pala ako ay tanga.
To end, I just want to tell you that I am still waiting for a miracle to happen. I am not hoping that you will love me back but I am waiting for a miracle that you and me will still be together.
Hope you Read My Beautiful Promise!
To your boyfriend,
Please take care of my queen. Don’t take her for granted like what I did before. I will do my best to win her heart if you did it to her.